In case you’ve been too busy not dedicating a shit about taxes–because candidly, who even understands how they work besides depriving me of my own money–allow us to explain the bombshell of shady dealings that lately leaked called the Bachelor in Paradise Papers. And as Chris Harrison will tell you, these papers are about to be some of the most dramatic leakages in paradise history.

WTF Is A Paradise Paper?

A bunch of journalists simply went full Betty Cooper and uncovered a massive amount of document leaks that detail trillions of dollars earned by American corporations, celebrity investors, and high-ranking political officials that have been concealed and funneled through offshore havens on remote islands. Basically, they’re disguising fund at the local tropical bank next to your fav all-inclusive resort. Trillions is a shit ton of money so, yeah, this can be filed under Big Fucking Deal.

The Paradise Papers get their epithet because Appleby, my favorite place to drunk eat mozzarella sticks the major law firm assisting in the moving around of funds, is based in Bermuda and uses other paradise-y islands such as the Caymans and the Virgin Islands as places to shift their clients’ earnings so they don’t get paid income taxes. Appleby helps its clients reduce their taxation requirements and hide ownership of things like private jets, yachts, and expensive mansions. Meanwhile, I can’t even successfully disguise debit card acquisitions from my father, so maybe I should call them.

Who Is Implicated?

Just about every person and corporation famous for being super fucking rich. From the logo rights to the Nike swoosh, to Madonna’s share in a medical company and Keira Knightley’s investments in some super random real estate firm, thousands of epithets were released in association with the use of taxation haven islands. The Queen of England’s private property even invested millions in a Cayman Islands fund previously unknown to the public, so basically she’s reached Olenna Tyrell high levels of sneaky bitch. Yas Queen.

U2 lead singer and human who has no idea how to count to four in Spanish, Bono, is the partial owner of a shopping mall in Utena, Lithuania( where ?), thanks to his investments in a company based in Malta–which, you guessed it, is just one of those taxation haven islands. First of all, did no one question what Bono was doing with a Lithuanian mall or why Keira Knightley is trying to join the Property Friend? Even I know that sounds shady and I get all of my investigative skills from Olivia Benson.

Apple also got their iHands dirty with a healthy dosage of tax avoidance by changing their earnings to Irish subsidiary companies. When questioned about the company’s grapples, Apple’s CEO, Tim Cook, insisted that they didn’t just “stash money on a Caribbean Island.” That may be technically true, but they did stash it on an island in the English Channel called Jersey. Savage use of wordplay, Timmy. Cook is definitely the kind of fuckboy who tries to defend his late nighttime Snaps because you said he couldn’t text his exes, but never said anything about Snapchat.

Side note: Anywhere named Jersey should automatically be flagged as a danger zone of probable suspicious activity. Both have shores where stuff is spread around, but on one of them it’s fund, and on the other it’s unidentified liquids and STDs.

Now you didn’t believe a scandal would just breeze by without any mention of Trump and Russia, did you? Of fucking course not. A whole bunch of Trump’s friends and colleagues have constrains in offshore reports, including Secretary of State Rex Tillerson and key Trump donors, the Mercers and Sheldon Adelson. One member of the Big Cheeto’s merry band of weasels to intervene in the Paradise pregame is Wilbur Ross, Trump’s Secretary of Treasury. Ross invested in a shipping company whose top patrons include a Russian firm controlled by someone literally being sanctioned right now, and Putin’s own son-in-law. If we have learned anything from this garbage flame of an administration, it’s to never trust a son-in-law.

Speaking of that creepy doll Adam brought to Jared Kushner, he’s not walking away scot-free either. A Russian billionaire named Yuri Milner expended an ridiculous amount of money in Facebook and Twitter, but that investment money came to him from Kremlin backers rendering hundreds of millions from government-controlled banks and finance institutions typically used for “potentially strategic deals.” One of Milner’s current investments also includes a real estate undertaking founded and partly owned by, you guessed it, Daddy-in-Law’s Boy Jared.

Why Should You Care?

Ok, so even though all of that shit voices shadier than “we’re just friends”, it isn’t inevitably illegal. Nonetheless, as more Nancy Drew-ing goes down, it’s likely that a dece quantity of illegal activity will emerge. As far as uber-rich celebrities move, tax evasion is just kinda fucking crazy. Like, can you merely register your private plane in the two countries where you actually use it plz?

As for the ties to Russia, that doesn’t bode very well for the whole “no connections between Trump and Putin” lie this administration has been peddling harder than me at SoulCycle the day after Thanksgiving.

With the release of the papers, officers are sensation the pressure to tighten up the very loose loopholes that allow these strategic tax avoidance hackers to happen, and they are considering building it harder to make use of rando offshore companies to hide their fund. All I know is, Paradise is a breeding ground for scandal, and I’ll be sitting over here eating my bowl of cheese pasta and waiting for it all to implode.

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