I can’t take another article about millennials. Which is ironic, since the name of this article will likely have the word “millennials” in it. Since it’s sort of about … you know, millennials. I say “sort of” because I don’t suppose the tidal wave of “MILLENNIALS ARE KILLING ____” pieces are really about them. Not at their core.

When you really break them down, these articles are about my generation. And my parents’ generation. And every generation that has in the past existed since the dawning of humans. Yes, they’re phrased as “Millennials are killing X industry, and that’s bad, ” but what they’re really saying is, “The periods, they are a-changin’, and that frightens the shit out of me.” I don’t agree with those articles, because I think they’re impressively idiotic. But I believe the key to combating moronicism is understanding what makes a moron moronic. I haven’t determine whether my own insight is fortunate or inauspicious, but …

This Generation Is Changing The World In A Way That I’m Not Prepared For, And Therefore It Must Be Stopped

Let’s say you live in some tribal culture a few thousand years before the first guy with a Christ complex comes along. Your basic priorities in life are to eat, fucking, sleep, reiterate. But because Walmart hasn’t fabricated artilleries and smoker grills yet, most of your time is wrapped up in that whole “prevent death by jostle food in your suck-hole” hobby. During your midlife crisis at age 12, you realise, “Holy crap, I’m actually pretty good at this cooking thing. Life would be so much simpler if people only brought me dead things, and I constructed the snacks for everyone.” It stimulates appreciation, right? That commits everybody else a couple more hours worked per day to sleep and/ or fucking. In exchange, perhaps they hurl you an extra rats or something for your trouble. Boom, the first McDonald’s is born.

Within weeks, very few people in your tribe are making their own meals. Why would they? You have that shit embraced. This upsets the 25 -year-old elders, who spread admonishings of impending catastrophe. “Ogg Brrrpth has destroyed the vital ability of cooking! What if he dies tomorrow? Who will then attain our meat? ” This is a legitimate problem, but not an unsolvable one. You propose teaching got a couple of apprentices who can step in and take over when you unavoidably get feed by dragons. But the elders are still frightened. “It’s impossible! You have fated us all , ” they holler through mouthful of food that you prepared.

Flash-forward several thousand years, replace “food” with “economy, ” and you get a pretty good notion of how this cycle continues today. For instance, this article from Business Insider talks about how millennials are killing casual eateries. It’s not preaching doom, but the argument it renders among readers is “What does this do to our economy? ” I entail, TGI Fridays alone drew in $1.57 billion in 2015. In 2013, they applied over 70,000 people. That’s a pretty big chunk of change. Take that away, and we’re losing a massive quantity of income, spending, and taxes. But “Millennials are killing casual restaurants” does not mean “Millennials have stopped feeing food.” They’re just doing it elsewhere. And spending a metric fuckload of money in the process.

My generation doesn’t realize the growth because we’re confused by watching the current harvest of humans destroying the conveniences we built. We don’t see that it’s often in favor of another, route more convenient and profitable system. My mothers guessed computers were stimulating children dumber because for some reason terms on physical paper … magically stimulated people smart? My grandparents bemoaned fast food because it was destroying home cooking and family dinners. Their parents were afraid that vehicles constructed people lazy. And back in those tribal days, I guarantee there were a bunch of traditionalists complaining that “Kids these days have it behavior too easy. You can’t genuinely appreciate a dinner unless you’ve felt the warm blood of a fresh kill on your hands.”

My generation created a ton of conveniences with the technology that was available, and we did it by deconstructing and remodeling the ones my mothers made. We then got used to those conveniences and couldn’t imagine life without them. And now that we ascertain them being deconstructed by our own kids, we have to adapt to the new stuff. And that’s as scary as a John Holmes anal scene.

And that entails …

The Problem Millennials Are Dealing With For The First Time Are Problems We’re Dealing With For The First Time

This is going to sound like a really stupid statement, because it kind of is: Modern troubles are modern. But it’s important in understanding why every headline about the present generation is just like old people screaming “We’re all gonna fuckin’ die! ” I’m going to give you a minor example of how this works.

In the late 1980 s, my dad somehow received a route to splurge and buy us a Nintendo. I’m accepting he harvested and sold the kidneys of a drifter, because we could barely afford clothes at the time. We lost our shit when we opened that container on Christmas morning, and we couldn’t just waiting hook it up and start smashing bricks and stomping turtles … and likewise play Super Mario Bros . We rushed back to the crappy black-and-white Tv in our bedroom, and … expended the next hour trying to figure out why it wasn’t working.

See, the original Nintendo had an RF switch, which looked like this 😛 TAGEND

Via Museumofplay.org

It’s pretty simple by today’s standards, but remember, home amusement was just becoming a thing back then. Very few people were versed in hooking up electronics. You had to figure out how to operate the cable through the switch, then run the switch through the VCR, which then went into the back of the TV. The Tv had to be on a particular channel in order to display what was on the VCR. And the VCR itself had to be on a particular channel in order to display what was on the Nintendo. Get one step wrong, and you’re playing a game of Jack Vs. Shit with your friend Chad Nobody.

This is more important than you might recognise. Learn, if my bicycle transgressed, Dad could fix it( and teach me how ), because he grew up with a bike too. He knew how they work from experience. The intend has been the same since 1885, so my bicycle problem had at one point been his bicycle problem.

But this Nintendo thing was brand-new to both of us. He knew as much about setting that problem as I did, so after an hour, his annoyance boiled over into “I had not yet been notion: Discover how to fix it yourself. Why can’t you just go outside and poke roadkill with a stay like we used to do? ” In his brain, my generation created this new thing which killed off his familiar means of entertainment. Then when a problem flopped its big ol’ dick across our chins, his reaction was to slap it away and blame me for letting it. “You wanted this, so you deal with the cock-chin.”

Now imagine the same scenario, but you’re the parent, and your teenager’s phone bricks. What the inferno do you do? Both you and your child have come to depend on cellphones, and now you’re both in the same craft — you have a $ 900 paperweight, and neither of you knows what to do about it. When you’re in that position, it’s extremely easy to resent the modern convenience. “If we still had a land line, this wouldn’t is something wrong. But now I have to go back to the cellphone store and fuck around with that for three hours. If the warranty is expired, I’ll have to buy a new one. This is BULLSHIT ! “

But at its core, you’re just outright embarrassed. You feel insignificant, and it’s all that goddamn phone’s fault . And when that kid reads to fix it on their own? That means they’re now smarter than you. They don’t use your help anymore. You either discover what they just learned, or you become obsolete.

Understand that even though we often overlook that aspect, we’re not entirely unaware of it. The annoyance overshadows logic when we’re in the moment, but I reckon a lot of us do recognize that we’re perpetuating an eons-old cycle. So if we’re self-aware, why do we maintain buying into those dumbass blind anxiety articles? Well …

There’s A Kernel Of Truth In Most Of Those Articles

My middle son is very much like me, in that he favor the majority of members of his communication to happen with a thick wall of internet between himself and his target. I’m not great at meatspace dialogues, and I goddamn loathe talking on a phone( which is ironic, since several hours of my period are spent on editorial bellows … I’m a very important person ). With text, I can take the time to craft what I want to say. If I type something stupid, I can merely delete it and start over. Start an actual verbal convict with “You know the thing that nobody understands about reverse racism, ” and that shit is now in the ear holes of your peers , no takebacks.

There is, nonetheless, a huge difference between me preferring that form of communication and my teenage son doing it: He’s never been forced to learn the harder skill in the first place.

What I’m about to say is going to attain me sound like an old person screaming “GIT OFF-A MAH LAWN, ” but bear with me. There’s a reason I’m bringing it up. When I was a kid, we had video games, but even multiplayer required your friends to be in the same room with you. Having food delivered still required you, at a bare minimum, to speak to another human on the phone. A ton of our entertainment required face-to-face interaction … even with people you disliked . There’s a Chad in every group, and reading to deal with that douchebag is extremely important.

Have you ever had to deal with a really rude customer service worker? What tint and expression do you use when you get pulled over by a cop? Ever had to make a believable ass-saving condone on the wing? How can you tell when someone is masking that they’re offended? Can you tell by reading their body language and tone of voice? All of that shit comes from practise, and you merely get it by spending a nutload of day around people in the physical world. I didn’t do that by choice. I was forced to do it. The great difference I was referring to is that my son is not. And I’m not going to force him to do it, but I recognize there are consequences for that.

I had to teach him that using a certain tone when making a joke — specially dark ones — could be misunderstood. That people could take him severely if he didn’t know the very subtle cues that let them in on it. That irony in text is a totally different structure than sarcasm coming out of your term hole.

So what does all of that “re going to have to” do with these kinds of articles? Well, as much as I detest be acknowledged, a lot of them actually do have a sliver of insight. Just a slight hint of fact. Yes, millennials are a important contributor to Applebee’s declining marketings. Yes, millennials do have more hassle talking on the phone than older generations. And yes, they do in fact start “real world” life later than their parents.

When you mingle those kernels of fact with a bunch of dumb anger bait, like this horseshit article, it gets easier and easier to buy into the fucknuttery. It’s a powerful form of dishonesty that starts as an astute observation and terminates as your grandmother saying, “See, I knew those video games were the devil! “

Don’t let it get to you. My grandparents’ generation said the same thing about my parents. My parents’ generation said the same thing about mine( we were called “slackers” — I now own my own house ). And now my generation is keeping that shit-ball rolling right onto yours. They want to blame you for Toys R Us going bankrupt? Fine. I’ll reap the rewards of your generation allowing me to buy dolls without ever leaving my chair.

That is, until millennials kill the concept of chairs.

John Cheese is a senior editor and the head of columns for Cracked. You can find him on Twitter .

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