Don’t get me wrong, I’m honored to drop a few Bens on a vacay with 12 daughters that’ll end up in my personal smolder volume and acquisition crystal wine stoppers that’ll serve no purpose but to cork the divorce cabernet six years from now, but as I reflect on what it is I’m actually being asked of as a bridesmaid, I can’t aid but compare each task to legal slave labor for nothing in return–and worsts of all, doing all that while submerge in fugly pastel chiffon. Like, take Princess Leia for example–at least that fat worm thing had the decency to stimulate her looking hot AF as a slave in a slutty bikini. So as much as I’m not trying to make this all about me, I’m also not went on to say that I’m counting on using my bridesmaid headshot
to induce my ex’s new girlfriend jealous as my new prof pic, but I can’t do that while parading around as a spitting image of my grandma’s linen dinner napkins on Christmas eve. So brides, envision long and hard before garmenting your #BrideTribe in the following dress styles you’ll prob find on ’s Worst Garmented list, or you’ll end up with eight ex-best friends and marriage convos like this 😛 TAGEND
Wedding Guest 1 : That rite was gorg!
Wedding Guest 2 : Yeah, but did you Consider those bridesmaid outfits?
Wedding Guest 1 : At least the bride looked good…
Wedding Guest 2 : What was she wearing again?
I rest my case.
Whether you’ve got human shoulders or chronic cavity tit, NO girl appears good in strapless unless you’re fucking Gwyneth Paltrow. It’s only a reality, and one that the bride most def knows but selfishly decided to overrule. Like, I’m not saying strapless gowns are altogether unfortunate appearing, but the bride was definitely was of the view that when she afterward framed all but any picture of her and her bridesmaids. She’s the type of narc that posts an Instagram of your group of friends where she seems hot, even though Ashley has protruding camel toe and half a lazy eye. She knows that strapless will obv merely appear good on her, because no shit–a strapless wedding gown contains more boning than senior prom nighttime. Plus, strapless attires are so early’ 00 s, so I can only assume this country club wedding will contain every other outdated detail, like a beer-and-wine-only bar, “YMCA” on the must-play listing, and worst of all, a fucking cupcake tower.
Accurate depiction of me in a strapless dancing to “Shout! ” in my own personal inferno 😛 TAGEND
Floral/ Any Other Gross Pattern
A bitch who forces her friends into floor-length floral garments that present no cleavage and aren’t worn on Sunday
brunch church, is either one of two things: hipster as fuck and more than likely getting hitched barefoot while high off her ass, or an actual descendant of fashion inferno who still believes braid crowns are totes on trend and will “photograph so well.” Her altar is probably made of branches, and tofu burgers were a must-have menu item, made of 100% vegan material. Look, I’m not saying there’s anything bad about this Taylor Swift, pre-boob job, flower child thing that’s going on, I’m just saying that even if Show Me Your Mumu were to # spon my bridal with free floral bridesmaid garments, I’d require much more liquor convincing.
You know how they say the camera adds 10 pounds? Well single-shoulder chiffon gowns adds like, 20. I might’ve slept my route through world history, but I was conscious enough to know that, last I checked, this is only 2017 and not ancient Greece, 1269 B.C. Honestly, I’m going to let this one slide, because I’m a nice person, and I’m just gonna accept this is the 54 -year-old bride’s third wedlock, and that this was all just a bribe in order to make it definitely sounds like she has friends other than her new step-daughter and the office receptionist. Whatever the occurrence, somebody must relay the message to Susan that this isn’t a frat house toga party, and that, in my opinion that nobody asked for, this dress is tacky and I detest it.
I once saved a photograph to my marriage Pinterest board, in like 2012, of a knee-length bridesmaid dress paired with sunflower corsages and matching cowboy boots. I also once said I’d like to be married with four kids by the time I’m 31. The discrepancies between these two things? Nothing, since they are both now attain me wishes to puking uncontrollably. This isn’t ninth grade homecoming, and there’s no reason to show face at a wedding looking like you’re about to attend opening day at the district carnival. Wedding season is a time for bridesmaids to conceal their self-loathing and booze bloat under a mop of floor-length fabric–not to show off their legs that haven’t determined sunlight or the StairMaster since fucking Nam. Besides detonation her love story all over HowWeMet.com and DIY-ing every detail down to her own goddamn veil, this bride likewise blasted any possibilities her bridesmaids will be get laid at the end of the nighttime.
This. This is the bride who promised her bridesmaids they’d be able to wear this dress again, because it’s not basic as fuck, and duh, it’s designer. Nice try. This bitch is so extra, that she’s confident enough to not even topic the fact that she may not be the center of attention due to the flashy bridesmaids, probably all because of her upcoming outfit change post-ceremony. She took the hashtag #SweatingForTheWedding from 0-10 real fucking fast, thanks to Orange Theory’s membership. She is also obviously marriage for the money and the display, since out of her 13 bridesmaids( that’s literally more friends than I know actual people ), merely like, four of them are actually close to her. It’s okay, because this bride hollers future PTA prowess and tennis musician of the month.
Fuck it, only give me one of the Fritz Bernaises.