Get be prepared to party like it’s 1997, because is being re-released in theaters. Because the only way to build Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On” more of a tearjerker is with surround sound. Starting December 1, select AMC Theaters will show a re-mastered version of the movie. This is a major upgrade from having to watch the movie on two VHS tapes in 2002. James Cameron has decided this edition is “the best-looking version of. ” IDK, but I’m pretty sure the best-looking version of was any time anybody looked at it before it hit the iceberg. If the entire theater doesn’t scream “there is room for Jack too” when Rose selfishly hogs the door, you should be entitled to a full refund.

Besides the obvious appeal to millennials who love the movie but were too young to have seen it on the big screen( RT if you were closer to Cora’s age than Rose’s ), is just a phenomenal movie. If you disagree with me, I’ll direct you to the 11 Academy Awards and the $2.2 billion it’s constructed since being liberated. Depending on how many people buy tickets for the re-release, could beat as the highest grossing film of all time. That’s great and all, but I just really require more screen day for the vastly underrated third class Irishman Jack is friends with.

Anyway, to celebrate the movie event of 2017( sorry,) and the cinema that has given more to pop culture than the entire Kardashian-Jenner family, here is an honest re-telling of.

is all about a cruise full of rich British people coming to America to spread teatime and eccentric hats. And although this sail likewise brought some povos, that problem was solved when they hit an iceberg and oops, we are just brought enough lifeboats for the rich people! Like a 1912 version of Occupy Wall Street, the poor bros on the ship refused to shut the fucking around and had to vex the rich people into making them life vest, despite the very generous offer to have violins playing while they drowned.

Let’s talk about Rose. During this four hour movie she athletics no less than six different last names, but she starts off the movie not as a betch, but as a boring bitch. Aside from being named Rose after like, everybody’s great-grandma, she’s likewise from the unbetchy metropoli of Philadelphia and simply wedding control freak Billy Zane because she’s in debt. Technically, this induces her even more poor than Jack, but she’s not into Billy no matter how many nerve necklaces he commits her. Your standard betch would’ve run for fuckboy Zane and wouldn’t actually be into the whole idea of “spitting actually far” as a fun date. Likewise , no betch would be that good with an axe.

And come on, you dropped the Heart of the Ocean necklace off the dock? Are you dumb ?! Do you know how many Birkins you can buy with that thing? Likely one, but still. We know because we’ve seen on those infomercials that you can get it in 45 installments of $22.99, so it’s clearly very elite and expensive.

But Rose’s inner betch emerges, starting with her overdramatic suicide attempt. Like, chill attention harlot, there’s no way you’re gonna do it, there’s 3 hour of movie left! Some time around the two hour celebrate she perfects garmenting like a slut in expensive jewelry, and by the end she’s wholly turned, letting Jack die while she takes a snooze on her little raft. Like what, they couldn’t switch off? Bitch couldn’t give it to him for like, a minute and a half? When she said never let go, she meant as long as her thumbs were toasty.

Anyway, R and J’s five period affair had now been been named the most romantic movie of like, life. But it’s interesting to us that everyone seem to think that Jack is all perfect because he’s really hot, good in bed, and a nice guy with a soul. Au contraire losers, don’t be fooled by his shitty clothes and artsy charcoal sketches. Jack is your typical fuckboy disguised in bohemian clothe. He would have really thrived in present-day Bushwick.

Ever notice how Jack constantly calls Rose out for a being a bitch, stimulates her jealous of his hot Paris prostitutes, and conveniently gets it in by day four? We get that they were confused by the iceberg after their genuinely classy automobile tryst, but we promise he wasn’t THAT into her after she devoted it up. Take this post-coital exchange, right before the iceberg makes 😛 TAGEND

Rose: When the vessel docks, I’m getting off with you.

Jack: This is crazy.

Rose : I know. It doesn’t making such a appreciation. That’s why I trust it.* Cue making out*

See how he doesn’t genuinely answer because he never actually invited her to come? SHADY.

Take this other instance of his undying shadiness, even as he’s about to literally die.

Rose: I love you, Jack.

Jack: Don’t you do that, don’t say your goodbyes. Not yet, do you understand me?

Jack’s body temperature is probs rounding 50 at this level, and he’s still beating around the bush. Kind of an inspiration to the fuckboy make that he remained this committed even in the face of fatality, but also like , no. If Jack had somehow miraculously lived, delusional-ass Rose would’ve been on the chase for years. The bro was 20, for fuck’s sake! She was 17! Crazy Cakes likewise told the guy at the end of the movie that her epithet was Rose Dawson. Did she genuinely think this was like, a lifetime thing? We’d go in so far to say he gladly dedicated her the door to lay on because he’d instead die than settle down before 30.

Don’t agree? You mad we ruined your favorite romance? Don’t want to believe it? aka shows us what a( boring as fuck) shit demonstrate their marriage would’ve been. So when you understand again, pay careful attention to Jack’s game. Typical shit from your typical fuckboy on his typical vaca. We’d bet a third class ticket on the Titanic that his dying guess on that icy Atlantic night ran something like: Fuck, this is some lose-lose shit, it’s either die now or move in for life with a bitch I fucked once on Springtime Break. Pop a Xanny, Rose–your nerve will go on.

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