Alex Berkowitz, life-ruiner and proprietor of The Bagel Nook in Freehold, NJ, has taken it upon himself to create a Fireball bagel even though literally nobody asked him to. What is in a Fireball bagel, you may ask? The dough itself contains a “splash of whiskey” and then the entire
criminal offences against humanity bagel is dipped in a Fireball boozy glaze. My immediate reaction upon hearing this news ran something like this 😛 TAGEND
Lord Jesus, why is it necessary exam me like this?
The Fireball bagel is being marketed as “perfect for your hangover” which is a bold statement and something I find personally offensive. First of all, Fireball is a drink only served out of desperation. Like, walk-into-a-bar-and-realize-you’re-the-only-one-whose-ID-is-actually-legitimate high levels of desperation. And to turn that act of desperation against me and make it into the one food I feed when I’m hungover feels like a personal attack.
Secondly , no one buys Fireball of their own free will unless they’re criminally insane. Severely. Think of person or persons in your life who purchase this shit in increments larger than a single shot forced upon them by random saloon garbage. Now think about if such person or persons sets burn to their lives on a daily basis either figuratively or literally. Yeah, they can’t be trusted.
When the owner of The Bagel Nook was asked
why he created such an abomination where he came up with the idea, Berkowitz said that a local radio DJ named “Cubby” asked to make the bagel for Cubby’s birthday in exchange for Berkowitz get free passes to meet the Backstreet Boys. So THIS is the price of humanity these days?
That’s what you’re telling me? WELL I HOPE IT WAS WORTH IT, ALEX.
The good news here is that you have to be 21 or older to purchase the Fireball bagel, which entails the bagel might die a slow and pain fatality because their target marketplace won’t even be able to buy it. I intend let’s be real , no one of the legal drinking age would gladly choose to ingest Fireball in any way, shape, or sort before 11 am.
And if you’re
insane extra af and are actually looking for Fireball bagels because of the Instagrams, your life is about to get even better because you literally don’t even to leave the house for this shit. That’s right, for a cool $80 per baker’s dozen, you too can get cinnamon flavored regret delivered right to your door on Saturday morning. Honestly, god speed.
Brb, if you need me I’ll just be adding DJ Cubby, The Backstreet Boys, and any guy with the first name of “Alex” to my personal ignite book.