I’ve had a very strained relationship with the government of New Jersey over the years. On the one hand, they’ve devoted me so many gems, like the ability to be lazy af and have someone else pump my gas for me and also , without which I would never have heard the terms “meatball power” or “human grenade.” I intend, can you imagine a world like that ?? But let’s not forget that New Jersey is likewise responsible for every boy I’ve meet on Bumble who is emotionally available enough to text me for four weeks straight, but not emotionally available enough to invest $13.25 on New Jersey Transit to meet me IRL. There’s got to be something in the water over there, because I know that has nothing to do with me and my effervescent personality. So yeah, I’ve had my emotional luggage ups and downs with the government. But now they’ve moved and truly pushed me over the fucking margin because person in New Jersey is currently in the process of induce fetch Fireball Bagels happen.* calls the police*

Alex Berkowitz, life-ruiner and proprietor of The Bagel Nook in Freehold, NJ, has taken it upon himself to create a Fireball bagel even though literally nobody asked him to. What is in a Fireball bagel, you may ask? The dough itself contains a “splash of whiskey” and then the entire criminal offences against humanity bagel is dipped in a Fireball boozy glaze. My immediate reaction upon hearing this news ran something like this 😛 TAGEND

Lord Jesus, why is it necessary exam me like this?

The Fireball bagel is being marketed as “perfect for your hangover” which is a bold statement and something I find personally offensive. First of all, Fireball is a drink only served out of desperation. Like, walk-into-a-bar-and-realize-you’re-the-only-one-whose-ID-is-actually-legitimate high levels of desperation. And to turn that act of desperation against me and make it into the one food I feed when I’m hungover feels like a personal attack.

Secondly , no one buys Fireball of their own free will unless they’re criminally insane. Severely. Think of person or persons in your life who purchase this shit in increments larger than a single shot forced upon them by random saloon garbage. Now think about if such person or persons sets burn to their lives on a daily basis either figuratively or literally. Yeah, they can’t be trusted.

When the owner of The Bagel Nook was asked why he created such an abomination where he came up with the idea, Berkowitz said that a local radio DJ named “Cubby” asked to make the bagel for Cubby’s birthday in exchange for Berkowitz get free passes to meet the Backstreet Boys. So THIS is the price of humanity these days?

That’s what you’re telling me? WELL I HOPE IT WAS WORTH IT, ALEX.

The good news here is that you have to be 21 or older to purchase the Fireball bagel, which entails the bagel might die a slow and pain fatality because their target marketplace won’t even be able to buy it. I intend let’s be real , no one of the legal drinking age would gladly choose to ingest Fireball in any way, shape, or sort before 11 am.

And if you’re insane extra af and are actually looking for Fireball bagels because of the Instagrams, your life is about to get even better because you literally don’t even to leave the house for this shit. That’s right, for a cool $80 per baker’s dozen, you too can get cinnamon flavored regret delivered right to your door on Saturday morning. Honestly, god speed.

Brb, if you need me I’ll just be adding DJ Cubby, The Backstreet Boys, and any guy with the first name of “Alex” to my personal ignite book.

Read more: http :// www.betches.com/ fireball-bagels-the-bagel-nook-new-jersey